Denial's old fashioned secret family recipe for
1. 3 cups water.
2. Container for water (preferably at least able to contain 3 cups)
3. A Yak
4. 2 cloves garlic
5. Plastic Eiffel Tower
6. 1 head iceberg lettuce
7. 1 head
8. Around 1lb. Africa
9. 2 tsp. vanilla extract.
10. A Big Bowl
Obviously, preparing this involves a great deal of concentration.
Assuch, I highly recommend clearing at least one week
before preparing thisrecipe in order for the most
severe introspective meditation.
For mantra, Irecommend the Dr. Pepper
or Almond Joy jingle. Repeat until you can boreholes
through concrete at distances of at least 100 yards.
Do notunderestimate the importance of rigid mental preparation!
Witness thisletter I received from a Ms. X
who made the mistake of diving right intothe fun:
bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee bee
bee bee bee bee bee bee bee
bee bee bee bee bee bee.
THIS COULD BE YOU.
Alas, when ready, first take your yak
and rub it on the tummy. It likesthat.
Then go to the grocery store and buy some yak food.
If you happenupon a store that doesn't sell yak food,
create a scene and don't leaveuntil you've
threatened at least 6 people with severe bodily harm.
Then,find a yak sanctuary, and let it go.
What the hell are you doing with ayak, anyway?
Are you some kind of weirdo?
Alright, next take your plasticEiffel tower
and throw it away, it's gauche.
Where can you put somethinglike that?
Besides, it reminds you too much of your yak,
and you're tryingto start anew.
Take the head of lettuce and place it in a big bowl.
Stir. Continue until you, or the lettuce, draws blood.
Wipe. Rinse. Repeat. Add conditioner. Towel dry. Comb.
Take your two cloves of garlic andthrow them away,
they are only here because '2 cloves of garlic soundsprofessional.
Take your 1lb. of Africa and douse your lower body with it.
Dance. Feel alive. Write some poetry.
Take your two teaspoons of vanillaextract
and put it in your pocket, it might be needed
for another recipeone day.
Take the head. Close your mouth and smash bowl over head.
Ifyour mouth moves, then you have screamed,
which means this is your head. Congratulate yourself.
If your mouth did not move, then someone is helpingyou.
That is cheating. Kill them at once, change your name and
try thisrecipe again in a totally different language.
Take the container that hasthree cups of water.
Stare at it, be glad you aren't water.
Continuestaring at the water until
you are on the brink of starving to death.
Phone for a pizza. Ask them to bring you a cup of warm water.
Eat, drink,live. Jump. Serves .5