This is play #4 in the Morally Empty Tales For the Godly Unrealized/Plays That Are Not Meant to be Acted series. It is not intended for small, medium, or large sized persons.
It Never Rains on Pluto By: J. Kalra
Scene: A moonlit alley. Litter. Ugly cats. Two men walk towards each other.
Henry: You mean PSSSSSSSSSSSSTTTT?
Raoul: Yeah. How do you do that again?
Henry: You've got to push the air out faster, so you get the SST sound out in time.
Raoul: Okay, hang on. You go back around that corner and let me try. Right. PSSSSSSSSTTTT.
Henry: Perfect! What can I do for you?
Henry: You PSSSSSSSSTTT'd me, right? I mean, that is what you're doing. Right?
Raoul: Yeah, I guess so.
Henry: So... what do you want?
Raoul: I can't remember. I'm sure it was something important, though. I don't PSSSSSSSTTTT unless it's something important.
Henry: My second wife used to PSSSSSSTTTT me all the time. Everyone, in fact. Total
strangers. Actually. A lot like what you're doing. Exactly what you're doing. Or have done. Look. You wanted to PSSSSSSTTT me, which you did, in a sense. So... so?
Raoul: Oh, hang on a second. What day is today?
Henry: It's... uh.. Wednesday.
Henry: Wednesday. Truly, Wednesday.
Raoul: Are you sure it's Wednesday?
Henry: I'm positive. It's Wednesday at... 1:14. AM. In the morning.
Raoul: I know what AM means.
Henry: You do?
Raoul: Well, not what the letters A and M stand for. But I know it means in the morning. Actually, I'm more inclined to see this as part of Tuesday. It's not really Wednesday until I sleep and wake up. You know what I mean? But...while you're here, what do the letters A and M stand for?
Henry: I don't know. Could that possibly be why you PSSSSTT'd me?
Raoul: I don't think so. I think I PSSSTTT'd you because I wanted to rob you.
Henry: Rob me?
Raoul. Yes. Mug you.
Henry: Mug me?Raoul: Yes. To rob and mug you.
Henry: On Tuesday?
Raoul: Exactly! Tuesday is my robbing and mugging day.
Henry: Why Tuesday?
Raoul: It just turned out to be Tuesday. On Thursday I go see a movie. On Sunday I take my dog for a walk... on Monday I vacuum.
Henry: And on Tuesday you rob and mug?
Raoul: Well, not all of Tuesday. I usually go visit my brother first, and then on my way home, I rob and mug. Late at night. About this time.
Henry: Why this time?
Raoul: Well, because it's dark I guess. I once tried to rob and mug during the day - on a Tuesday - but it didn't feel right.
Henry: Why not?
Raoul: Well, robbing and mugging in the daytime just... it's just impolite.
Henry: And at night it is?
Raoul: Well, sure. There's some kind of class to it. Some kind of bravado. It's as though we're both actors.
Henry: I'm an actor.
Raoul: I'm robbing and mugging an actor?
Raoul: That's kinda spooky.
Henry: Oh? How come?
Raoul: Well... well, if you're an actor, or a good actor... maybe you think I'm not performing well. As the robber, mugging the muggee. Is that a word?
Henry: I don't think so. But then again, I don't know what A and M stand for.
Raoul: Me neither. Hey, there's someone. Let's ask him. Heh. Watch this. PPSSSSSSSSTTT!
Sid: Nice PSSSSTTT! A lot of people have trouble with those.
Henry: I helped him with that.
Sid: Who are you?
Henry: I'm the muggee.
Sid: The what?
Henry: The person being mugged.
Sid: I don't think that's a word. Is muggee a word?
Raoul: I don't know. We were gonna ask you that.
Sid: I don't think so. There ought to be. The Person Being Robbed is just too long of a phrase.
Henry: That's a fine point.
Raoul: Mighty fine. Say, this guy here is an actor.
Sid: Oh yeah? I guess that makes things kind of spooky.
Sid: Well, maybe this guy is worried that you don't think he's a good mugger. I'm pretty sure mugger is a word. I've heard it in the movies.
Raoul: I see a movie every Thursday.
Sid: Every Thursday?
Raoul: Pretty much.
Henry: That's a lot of movies. That you've seen.
Raoul: Yeah. I've seen a ton.
Henry: Hmm.. maybe... actually, maybe that puts you in an advantage. See, I'm an actor, but I'm pretty new at it...But you've seen all these movies... you know what I'm saying?
Sid: I know what you're saying.
Raoul: Me, too.
Henry: Yeah... uhm. Look, you weren't supposed to say that.
Raoul: Say what?
Henry: Say that you knew what I was saying. I'm sort of thinking on the spot and I was counting on being able to elaborate a bit. I don't really understand myself.
Sid: You don't really understand yourself? Or you don't really understand what you're saying?
Raoul: Mighty fine question.
Henry: I can't remember. Look, can we just go back to the part about acting?
Raoul: Fine with me.
Henry: Uhmm. So, where were we?
Sid: I don't know.
Raoul: Me neither. I'm getting hungry.
Sid: Yeah, I could use a bit myself. You guys want to grab something to eat?
Henry: I'll have coffee.
Raoul: Wait a sec... I don't have any cash on me. Hey! Wasn't I robbing you?
Sid: Who, me?
Henry: No, me.
Raoul: Yes, him. But I can rob you, too.
Sid: I've been robbed lots of times.
Henry: You have?
Sid: Oh yeah. I've been robbed ever since I was... small.
Raoul: You must be a kind of rob specialist then.
Sid: Well, I guess. After a while, you sort of become one, I guess. Learning by doing, I think they call it.
Henry: Look, I don't mean to be rude. But I have to get up early tomorrow, so you think maybe we could get on with this? This robbing thing, I mean.
Raoul: Oh, sure. Okay. Let's, uh, let's have your wallet.
Raoul: Can I have your wallet?
Sid: This is pretty sad.
Henry: Tell me about it.
Sid: Look, if you're gonna get all defensive, then I'm just gonna get out of here...
Raoul: No, wait-wait. I'm sorry. I'm just... I'm just a little edgy sometimes. Change of seasons, you know. Air is kinda dry.Henry: Better than humid air, I'll tell ya.
Sid: Mighty fine point.
Raoul: Can't argue with that. So.. so are you gonna give me your wallet? Or.. not?
Henry: Not with that attitude.
Raoul: What attitude?
Henry: Will you please give me your wallet. Give me a break.
Raoul: What? WHAT?
Sid: Yeah, come on. If you're gonna mug, then do it with some class.
Raoul: How? Look, I've been doing this a lot you know. Every Tuesday.
Sid: That makes it even worse. If you're gonna rob us, then do it with some style. This is
Raoul: Okay, Mr. Rob.. how should I do it?
Sid: My name's Sid.
Raoul: Oh yeah?
Sid: Well, I figure that you're gonna find out anyway, when you rob me and all.
Raoul: You... so you think I'll actually be able to rob you?
Sid: Sure. But you've got no passion. None. I mean, when I hear you ask for the wallet, you've got to feel the words. And we, we have to feel them. It's all about feel, you know? Now, let's hear you try it.
Raoul: HAND ME YOUR WALLET.
Henry: That was a bit better.
Sid: A bit, but there's more in there. There's still more. You've got to have some edge in there. When I hear you ask for the wallet, I want to hear WHO YOU ARE, WHERE YOU COME FROM, WHERE YOU'RE GOING. I want to taste the desperation, I want your need to overcome me like an itch.
Sid: Yes, whoa. WHOA. I want to feel WHOA from you. I want the streets to feel it too. I want that cat over there to feel it.
Raoul: That cat?
Sid: Yes, that cat.
Sid: Yes. Yes. Oh God, yes. When I hear you ask me for the wallet, I want to see that cat, I want o see that cat as it licks up the charred remains of what once was its very own leg.
Sid: Yes, paw. I know you can do this.
Raoul: GIVE MEEEE YOUR WAAAAALLLETTTTTTTTTT.
Raoul: I.. I don't know what to say. I didn't think you had that much faith in me, SID. I was afraid you two would just laugh at me and I'd have to go and rob someone else.
Henry: There, there. I know what it's like to have a low opinion of yourself. My fourth wife had a low opinion of herself. And of me. Hmm. And of my third wife.
Sid: Damn cruel world we live in.
Henry: That's the truth. By the way, my name's Henry.
Sid: Hey! Don't tell us that!
Henry: But why?? You told us your name.
Sid: Well, that's because I'm not really a key player here. You two were here before I was. You're the players here. I'm just an accessory. Like a big hat. You aren't supposed to know each others names. It just doesn't work that way. Believe me.
Raoul: I believe you, Sid.
Sid: You better pick a different name, Henry. A false name.
Henry: A false name? I don't know what to pick.
Sid: Pick anything.
Henry: But... but name's say so much about a person.
Sid: Oh come on, just pick a damn name.
Henry: I'm... I'm so used to Henry.
Raoul: What was your fathers name?
Sid: So you're Henry Jr.?
Henry: I hate being called that.
Sid: Sorry, no offense. Look, just pick a name. He's hungry, I'm a little bit less hungry, and you have to get up early tomorrow.
Henry: Call me Raoul.
Sid: Why not? Raoul is an okay name.
Raoul: Okay, fine. My name is Henry.
Raoul: Henry Jr.
Sid: This is getting a little confusing.
Henry: What are you talking about? Why are you picking Henry? That's my name.
Sid: You're name is Raoul.
Raoul: No, that's my name.
Henry: I thought your name was Henry.
Sid: No, that's your name. What's my name?
Raoul: Sid, I think.
Sid: I better write that down. Do you have a pen?
Henry: Does who have a pen?
Sid: Umm.. you. Raoul.
Raoul: Oh... what? what?
Sid: Wait, I have a pen. So let me get this straight. You're Henry.
Sid: You're both Henry.
Henry: No, I'm Raoul.
Sid: Okay. So you're Raoul?
Sid: And I'm....
Raoul: Raoul. No, wait. Sid.
Sid: Right. And who's mugging whom?
Raoul: I'm mugging him.
Henry: I concur.
Sid: Okay, at least we have that straight.
Raoul: I'm also mugging you... if that's still alright, I mean.
Sid: Oh, sure.
Henry: That's nice of you.
Sid: Don't mention it.
Raoul: You can PLEASE GIVE ME YOUR MONEY..... how.. how was that? Guys?
Henry: Decent. That out of the blue thing was good.
Sid: Yeah, Raoul is right.
Henry: Shut up.
Sid: Look, it's getting pretty late.
Henry: It's Wednesday.
Raoul: YOU shut up. Jerk.
Sid: Guys, guys. There's no need for that. Right now, we have to take care of this mugging
business. Okay, you, um.. you.
Sid: Yes. You go over there and walk towards.. him.
Sid: Yes. And then show us what it takes to mug.
Raoul: I'm a little nervous.
Henry: Me, too. After all, he's seen so many movies.
Sid: That's true.
Raoul: Look, Sid, do you think you could mug us?
Henry: He's right. You seem so calm. And you seem to know what we're supposed to do. I think you're the best person for the job.
Sid: I'm not a mugger. I work at K-Mart.
Henry: And the two can't be compromised somehow?
Raoul: I've been to K-Mart.
Sid: No, what I mean is... is that. Well, now that I think about it, maybe I could mug. I just never thought I would, that's all.
Raoul: Me, neither.
Henry: Believe in yourself, Sid. I believe in you.
Raoul: Me too, Sid.
Sid: I... you guys are just.. really ... polite.
Henry: Backatcha, Sid.
Raoul: But don't you need a fake name now?
Sid: Oh, Sid isn't my real name. It's just what people call me.
Henry: Wouldn't that make it your name then?
Raoul: Ooo. That's deep, Raoul.
Henry: Thanks Henry.
Sid: I don't think so. My real name is--
Raoul: HEY! Don't tell us, man.
Henry: He's right. If you tell us, then we'll... well, we'll know it then.
Sid: But.. I don't like lying to you guys. I mean, you've been so nice and all. People don't talk anymore.
Raoul: I hear you, Sid. I was just at my brothers house. We don't talk. We just watch TV.
Henry: TV... my fifth wife wouldn't let me watch TV. So I used to go to the department store and watch it there sometimes. A lot of people do that, actually.
Sid: Sounds pretty rough.
Raoul: So what do you say, Sid? Are you going to mug us?
Henry: Please Sid. We won't forget you for this.
Sid: Aw, you guys! Sure. Say, do either of you guys have a gun then?
Henry: I'm against guns.
Raoul: I have several. Here, you can take this.
Sid: Hey, this one is pretty nice. Heavy, too. Ugh. Hey... where's the ammo?
Raoul: In my pocket.
Sid: Well, give that to me, too.
Henry: What do you need ammo for?
Sid: Well, you can't expect me to feel like a real mugger without a loaded gun, can you?
Henry: That's a mighty fine point.
Raoul: But... what if you shoot something? What if you shoot... us?
Sid: Oh, I won't.
Sid: Cross my heart.
Raoul: I'm really, really hungry.
Sid: Okay, there we go. Loaded and ready to go. Alright, I'll just walk around that corner, and we'll take it from there.
Henry: Who are you mugging, by the way?
Henry: WHO are you mugging? Him or me?
Sid: I hadn't thought of that. Good planning, Raoul.
Henry: Thanks, Sid.
Sid: I guess I'll mug both of you, then.
Henry: Oh yeah? A double mugging. Is that like a double play?
Sid: More of a two point conversion, really.
Raoul: Man knows his sports.
Henry: Okay, you go around the corner and we'll wait for you.
Sid: Thanks. I'll be right back.
Raoul: Nice guy, huh?
Henry: Oh yeah, nice. Not many nice guys around. Look, I'm sorry for telling you to shut up.
Raoul: You told me to shut up?
Henry: I think so. I just got confused.
Raoul: That's okay.
Raoul: Pretty nice night.
Henry: It's pretty nice.
Henry: So. Say, I guess we're competing, then, huh? Heh.
Henry: Yeah... to see who's the better muggee.
Raoul: Is that a word?
Henry: I don't know. We'll ask Sid.
Raoul: Ask him about that AM thing, too.
Henry: Oh, right, right.
Raoul: He sure is taking a while, isn't he?
Henry: Yeah. I'm getting a little worried. The corner is just over there. Shouldn't take this long.
Raoul: Should we go and see if everything is okay?
Henry: Well, okay.
Raoul: Feels good to walk. Been standing there for so long.
Henry: Walking is good.
Raoul: Did you hear that?
Henry: HEY! Yes. I was just going to ask you. What was that?
Raoul: Sounded like a gunshot.
Henry: Have you heard many?
Raoul: No. But I've seen a lot of movies.
Henry: Oh, right. Forgot. Hey, Sid!
Raoul: Whoa! Sid, are you okay??
Sid: I hate this city.
Henry: What happened man... hey, holy, you're bleeding man!
Sid: I do that.
Raoul: Hey, he's been shot man! Oh Sid, who shot you?
Sid: I don't know. Some man. Some bad man.
Henry: We better get you to a hospital Sid! I can't believe you were shot with... a gun!
Raoul: This looks pretty bad. But then, I don't know much about gunshots.
Sid: I'll tell you this much, though.... the guy... sure.... could....
Henry: Sid! What is it man?
Sid: The guy... sure.... could...
Raoul: Could what, Sid!? Could what??
Sid: Sure... could........ mug. The horror. The horror.
Henry: He's dead.
Raoul: Oh man. Oh...
Raoul: What are we gonna do now?
Henry: Nothing we can do, but keep walking. Keep going forward. Sid knew what he was doing, or at least, a part of him did. He knew that there was the chance that he would face the ultimate mug.
Raoul: You think so?
Henry: Yes, I do. And maybe one day you or I will see it. The same way Sid saw it.
Raoul: That sure is something to think about.
Henry: Sure is. Let's go grab a coffee.
Raoul: Mighty fine idea. But-- oh, I uh.. I don't have any cash.. at the moment.
Henry: This one'll be on me.
Raoul: You mean it? Oh, thanks. Thanks a lot man. When can I pay you back, though?
Henry: How about next Tuesday?
Raoul: Next Tuesday?
Henry: Yes. Same time, same place.
Raoul: You mean...
Henry: Yes. I mean.
Raoul: I.. I've never had a friend like you before. Nobody who wanted to stick around after the mugging.
Henry: Well, maybe I'm a little different. And maybe you are, too.
Henry: Don't tell me you love me.
Raoul: I wasn't. I was going to tell you that you're stepping on that cat.
Henry: Sorry, cat. Let's go get that coffee.
Raoul: Let's go get that future.